Golden Touch CRAPS

I love to write all my columns but in this issue I have one of the great slot geniuses of all time, the man who created the whole idea of the RNG, none other than Reginald Nicholas Gee, nicknamed R.N.G., to write about the exciting and unique machines he is now offering to sell to the casinos. Let me warn you that this man is not politically correct so if you can’t handle non-politically-correct stuff go to the next page.

Take it away R.N.G.

"I appreciate this opportunity to discuss the new machines I have created and why the casinos need to put these machines on their floors. The casinos will make a lot more money from my machines but at the same time the players are going to have much more fun.

"The first machine I call Eat This! and it will appeal to all the fat people in America such as Frank Scoblete who gained a lot of weight since he started going to casinos over twenty years ago. I think some of the other gambling writers have also gotten pudgy over the years from all those buffets.

"Are fat people really interested in winning a few coins or would they rather win food? I say food! So my new machine has food symbols and when three of the same food symbols line up, you get that food. The lowest hit will give you some small candies, like mints or M&M’s, that kind of thing. This keeps the players hanging in the game.

"Now as you go up the line of hits, the food becomes better; sandwiches, hamburgers, hot dogs. The big jackpot is a butler-served meal in your room or at a gourmet restaurant in the casino. How’s that? The small wins will be given out at the machine – the candies will drop right into the tray as will all the sandwiches, hygienically wrapped too, so the player can just seat and play and eat to his or her heart’s content.

"My next machine will appeal to all fans of professional sports. It’s called I Gotch Ya! This machine deals with all the transgressions that today’s professional athletes have committed. You will be shown the head of a famous athlete; say a giant, bloated, outsized, freakish head that looks as if the athlete has elephantitus, and then symbols will appear under this enormous head. If all three symbols match the transgression, in this case three needles to inject steroids, the slot player wins money.

"Sports fans can have a lot of fun with this. There are symbols for bloody dog fighting, gun violations, hard drug use, barroom brawls, wife beating, all sorts of things that today’s athletes enjoy as their leisure time criminal activities. There are hundreds, if not thousands of examples, and some athletes have more than one so it is fun to see which of the athlete’s crimes actually appear on the symbol lines. If multiple erroneous symbols appear, the player loses. The jackpot is an all-expenses-paid trip to the next accused athlete’s trial.

"My third machine has to do with raw, gritty sex, the kind many casino players love, and this machine is triple X rated all the way, baby. The machine is called [censored] which is a really racy title as you can see and would make a Southern preacher blush. The machine will show [censored] in all manner of [censored] which will appeal to the men and for women we have [censored] and [censored] and [censored] which should make the women really happy too.

"On this machine will be lines of [censored] in all sorts of [censored] that will really [censored]. Whoa boy! How do you like that? And for rewards on minor hits you get [censored], medium hits you get [censored] and on jackpots you get [censored] and a free visit to the clinic afterwards.

"No one has thought to create sex slot machines. I now call these my [censored] machines to go along with the word slot. I think that is funny. I also tell women they can have a [censored] playing these machines to make fun of men. I am sure the women will love to play two machines at once since then they will be playing with two [censored].

"If this machine works I am going to do gay and lesbian-themed machines as well. The handle of the gay machine will look like [censored] and on the lesbian machine the tray at the bottom will look like [censored]. Can you imagine the fun for gays and lesbians?

"To conclude, my goal is to create machines that have some kind of reality in them and not just cartoon characters and cherries and lemons and stuff like that."

Well, that’s R.N.G.’s plans for new machines. I am sure they will be huge successes and not [censored].